


A Lingering Attachment

by orphan_account



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alcoholic Suho, Gen, M/M, Multi, Struggles of being a leader, Suho's really messed up, angsty, pure angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-13
Updated: 2017-07-13
Packaged: 2018-12-01 15:22:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11489169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Junmyeon is in denial after Yifan leaves. He blames himself for the else's departure, insisting that he is a terrible leader and all around horrible human being. Junmyeon copes with the guilt by drowning his sorrows in alchohol. He did all of this to forget Yifan-bur ultimately, the only thing he forgot about was his sanity. You can never truly erase someone you love, they always linger in your heart. Junmyeon finds this out the hard way.





	A Lingering Attachment

Junmyeon knew. He actually knew all along. He just want that keen on acknowledging it. He had kept it hidden away in a secret safe that was pushed into the back of his mind. He was the only one who knew the combination, the truth. Junmyeon lay in the bath tub, sipping his bottle of fine red wine. He had been sobbing, his heart was bruised. His coping mechanism was alchohol-although it was a temporary fix, it was painless and completed the task at hand. To forget about  _him._ His vanilla hair plastered to his head, bruises and scratches on his pale body, from earlier attempts of self harm. His bloodshot red eyes closed temporarily. He wanted to fall asleep forever, to drown in that very bath tub. He didn't want to relive the same pain over and over again. He felt suicidal. He wished he was dead.

Gradually, a picture materialized in his head. It started out as a blurry, ambiguous picture but had over time was more apparent, distinguishable. A little _too_ distinguishable. It was  _him._ The person who had once made Junmyeon's heart expand, the person that made Junmyeon feel as though his skin was afire. But that all really didn't matter now. The only thing that mattered to Suho was to forget him, to rid his mind of Yifan-less thoughts. 

"Yifan, why?" Suho had murmured. "W-why am I such a bad leader?" he managed to say through stifled sobs. Then another part of himself chimed in.

"You are not a bad leader, he's obviously just a bad friend." He was having a heated conversation in his head, from two completely different parties.

"It's not his fault, he had just left because of his well being. You have to understand that sometimes people have to put their self in the forefront, it may be a little selfish, but at the end of the day you matter as much as anyone else. It doesn't concern us." The little angel on his shoulder piped up.

Over and over again, each side had argued with one another, making Junmyeon feel helpless, confused, and unaware of reality.

"STOP!"Junmyeon shouted, he honestly could not bare to listen to this. His pale fingers gripped onto the base of his neck, having the urge to yank out small hairs.

He then sighed, as he reclined back. Another sip. He had repeated Yifan's name until it was a faint sound without any meaning, until it had no significance whatsoever.

The moments of bliss when Junmyeon could forget about everything were his favorites. In moments of intoxication, he had been stripped away all of those haunting thoughts. He knew he was hurting himself-however, he could really care less. He knew he was one step closer to death each time he had took a swig of the wine. He enjoyed enduring the pain. It actually gave him another reason to keep living. All of the wine had made his insides sting, to the point where they had felt numb. It was bliss, yet painful. Like sweet poison he couldn't dare to resist.

Suho could not bare the other member's to see him like this. Leaders are strong, addaptable, quick on their feet. Losing one member is really no big deal. And what was Junmyeon doing? The opposite. Crying over someone he had only met a few years ago, someone who barely made an impact on him, someone who was of insignificance. Leaders don't cry. They have to stay strong, retain their composure. Crying shows signs of immaturity and vulnerability, two things all great leaders are not supposed to have. Confronting the EXO members would show that I've given up, that he has surrendered. Although crying on the floor surely wouldn't help him get anywhere, he really needed to regain my composure.

"You should really confront the EXO members about this tackle the situation head on, and talk about it more thoroughly. And don't be worried if they judge you-crying is only normal and it shows that you are geunine, real. Authentic. Instead of discarding your humanity, you should really embrace it." The voice in his head had had said.

 _Something actually helpful for once._ Suho had thought.

The voice was right. The other EXO members might actually accept him a little more kindly now, knowing all of the stuff that leader's have to deal with on a day to day basis and all of the extra pressure that was on them.

Suho then envisioned a thourough plan on how he was going to talk to the other member's about the huge Yifan dilema. Being a brillant strategist, Suho often thinks out a plan before he does them. Usually in case if he does or says something incredibly stupid. But there was no room for error-it was already a very complex plan as it is. He couldn't say something stupid. It would be way too risky. (Even in his most intelligent of moments, there was always something he said or did that he regretted immediately afterwards.)

Suho had set a date.  _Tomorrow at 9_ _A.M._

 _I know the whole Yifan drama would be kind of hard to talk about, but we really should talk about it more thoroughly. Like what will happen to EXO, if another member leaves, changes we can make._ Suho had thought.  _For our reputation does actually ride on this very conversation. Just pushing this conversation under the rug, is of no significance and eventually it will come back up anways. So why not tackle it as soon as possible?_

Junmyeon was now half asleep in the tub, his arm dangling off the side. It was like a daily routine for him now. He had barely slept in his bed anymore. He had locked himself in the bathroom every day and eventually he would get too lethargic to even g get up anymore. And he just really didn't want anyone to see what has become of him. He thought it's best if he's alone, no one would have to bare looking at him in such a vulnerable and awkward state. In fact, he didn't want _anyone_ to see him like this; let alone his bandmates.

Emotional scarring had definitely changed Suho for the _worst._  Yes, in some cases it actually make a person stronger; but his case was exactly the opposite. He was like a timid puppy that had just ventured to the outside world for the very first time. And the fact that the other members' probably already know what he's going through; it makes it hurt even more. It makes him feel more stressed, more pressured; knowing that he is not the textbook example of a good leader. In fact, he was the perfect example of everything a leader _shouldn't be._

All Junmyeon ever wanted to do was create music. He _did not_ spend the past ten years of life to let one of his "loyal friends" to betray EXO like that, he did not spend half of his life so he could be overshadowed by his other bandmates.

He felt pathetic, helpess, his insecurity had finally got the best of him. 

Pain is a very subjective term. There are many different types, various forms, copious ways of that it could've manifested in that said person. Although the pain that Junmyeon felt was internal, that doesn't mean the agony could go away any more. 

What Junmyeon didn't know was that alcohol wouldn't help him get anywhere; it wouldn't help his bruised heart heal any faster, it wouldn't make him regain his happiness. Yes it may do it _temporarily._ But once it wears off; all the same pain is back, all the emotional scarring is back.

That's why Junmyeon _will do anything_ to make these thoughts stop, he'd do anything to regain that happy life that was once robbed of him, even if it would mean his life was on the line, which was something he really didn't care that much about anymore. He  _wanted_ to meet his demise.

Junmyeon _hadn't_ realized what he was doing to himself.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This is my first ever fanfic that I'm actually going to treat seriously. Decided to write some Krisho angst because there honestly needs to be a lot more and I just really liked the concept. I know the ending of this chapter is definitely a bit rushed and flat, so I will probably edit it later.  
> P.S Constructive Critiscm is always allowed!


End file.
